Old Trauma

Last Wednesday I just like shuffling the Tarot Disassembled deck just because I like the bright colors, the paper finish, and the bright red edges. I had no ideas or intentions, just an open mind and wanting to work with the cards.

I first laid out Death Rv, 10 of Cups, and 2 of Wands Rv. Essentially I am having a personal transformation that will bring emotional fulfillment but I am resisting due to my fear of the unknown and lack of planning. 

I pulled two clarifying cards that indicate I need to let go of past hurts (10 of Swords), and I need to make amends or reconcile these wounds (5 of Swords Rv).

This makes sense on a general level, so I’ll take it under consideration. I’m not really feeling like I’m in “transformation” mode; in fact, I’m tired all the time and just want to eat and sleep. I’m hibernating for the  winter.

Now I wonder if this reading is linked to one I did today that was triggered by some old grief that came up this past Saturday related to abandonment I experienced really young. 

I held The Tower card today and ran the reel back on my mom’s divorce from the only person I knew as “dad,” and my entire life turned upside down. I thought about the rejection I experienced when he took shared custody of my sister and brother, but never even invited me to visit or be involved in his family ever again. Mom and I had to move out to a shitty apartment, had food stamps, I had to change schools, and everyone there bullied me. My siblings’ dad was able to provide for their needs while I lived with shitty housing and food insecurity. I became an angry kid, and acted out in all the usual angry-kid ways. I eventually decided I was going to do everything I could to have a good life and I’ve worked very hard since then to achieve many of my goals. 

The thing that triggered all this was seeing my siblings’ dad this weekend, and it’s always awkward. I feel stupid that it still bothers me 40 years later. 

So I meditated on The Tower, placed it back in the deck, and shuffled with the question of how to heal from this, or otherwise what do I need to know about this situation to move on. One card jumped out, so I set it aside. I finished shuffling, I turned the deck over, sifted through until I found the Tower, and pulled the two card behind and in front of it.

Way over on the right is the King of Cups, which is an appropriate signifier for ex-dad. Meanwhile, all the other cards are things going on behind him that I am going through that he doesn’t see, including the massive injury of The Tower that influences a lot of my life.

The 6 of Wands on the far left is my support network, people who have loved and supported and encouraged me through life that he was not a part of. 

The 4 of Swords is me recovering from the stress surrounded by the protective swords.

The 8 of Wands is the card of fast movement and changes, which I’m kind of stumped on. Maybe it’s rolling with the punches? Seizing opportunities? Spiritual growth?

Lastly, the jumper was the 6 of Swords Rv, which looks like hanging onto old baggage and resisting change, which ties into the Death card of the previous spread.

It’s almost like the first spread is the answer to the later spread: reconcile, let go of old hurts, open myself to this transformation, whatever it is.